


The Most Demoralizing Allergic Reaction Ever

by kayliemalinza



Series: Freewrites [5]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, dodgy aliens, skience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-05
Updated: 2008-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-27 06:12:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/292500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayliemalinza/pseuds/kayliemalinza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto has to lay down the law for Jack's own good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Most Demoralizing Allergic Reaction Ever

"No," said Ianto.

Jack wiggled his butt.

"That isn't going to change my mind," said Ianto. " _Nothing_ is going to change my mind."

Jack whined and rolled around on the floor.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "You might have better luck if you could speak coherently, but you can't, can you? Nope, that's another fun little side effect." Ianto leaned down and poked Jack in all sorts of mean places: his newly fused mouth, the flippers where his arms used to be, the gelatinous mounds of his legs. "Not only is the 51st century over 3,000 years in the future, Jack, by that point the human race has expanded across the universe, encountered countless alien pathogens, cross-bred with other species... your physiology is vastly different from ours. After over 100 years main-lining the stuff on Earth, are you surprised that the toxicity built up and finally manifested itself? Owen says you'll recover in time, but we're taking preventative measures."

Jack keened, pulsed against the floor, implored Ianto with his diaphanous and slightly yellow eyes.

"Jack, it's for your own good." Ianto cupped his hand tenderly on Jack's cheek—now vaguely textured like asparagus—and whispered sadly, "No more coffee, Jack. Forever."

**Author's Note:**

> The was written as a blatant attempt at manipulation after my friend, Order_of_Chaos, said:  
> I don't think I can forgive you for this. Not even if you were to write me Ianto in an icy fit of snark swearing never to make coffee again, and _meaning_ it.  
>  Well. Maybe then.  
>  _Maybe._


End file.
